Uh oh! Looks like it is that time again – another Preview Review, wherein I find the unlettered preview pages offered online for an upcoming comic (that I really have no intention of buying), and write a review of the issue based entirely on my perceptions of what is going on.
Today, we look at Captain Britain and MI: 13 #1, from Paul Cornell (writer) and Leonard Kirk (artist), with a cover by Brian Hitch.
Wow! Without further ado, let’s take a look at that Brian Hitch cover!
Uh… yeah. That’s Captain Britain. Yep. There he is. You know, I’m not looking to be spoiled by the covers on my comics, but I would like to see something pertaining to the story contained in the book. Maybe I’m jumping the gun a little here, but unless the story involves Captain Britain rescuing someone from a random graphics department or Brian Hitch’s sketchbook, I’m guessing the images don’t have a lot to do with the story. Oh, wait – I do see a guy with lines on his chin. Ah, that must be the clue to tell us that the issue will have something to do with Skrulls, shapeshifting aliens from space! Well, that image along with a year of promotion from Marvel basically telling us that Skrulls are everywhere. Okay, let’s move inside the book.
Ah, right there! See? I told ya! Skrulls. Clearly, Captain Britain is being attacked by two Skrulls here. One, obviously more accomplished at his shapeshifting abilities, is combining the forms of Ghost Rider, Iceman, and… uh… Hawkman. Wait – Hawkman is from DC, not Marvel. There you have it, True Believers. The Skrull problem is so bad that it is even infecting and drawing from the Distinguished Competition. The second Skrull, being less experienced, is making an attempt to look like Morbius the Living Vampire. Poor kid. Someone really should take him to the side and tell him that the green skin and pointy ears really work against the disguise. But, he is trying, so we should give him credit for that. Maybe this whole issue is about Skrulls in training, hmm? Next page!
So, Captain Britain pulls the ultimate version of every big brother’s favorite game, “Why are you hitting yourself?” The Skrull, using his own Iceman powers freezes his Ghost Rider head. With speed-lines… for some reason. You know, I would think that the Skrull could adapt to that, but maybe this guy is not as good as I first thought, because in the very next panel, Captain Britain shatters his skull into a few thousand pieces.
The second Skrull, now ticked that his teacher is headless, attacks C.B. (because typing Captain Britain over and over is getting tedious) with renewed vigor! Along with his Morbius attempts, he is also now… furry… and his arms are on fire. Again, give him credit for trying. Still hasn’t got that whole “head” thing down, though. Hard to fool anyone when your head is still pretty much Skrull, you know? I mean, say you saw what you thought were your parents, and they looked dead on like your parents in every way, but their heads were all green with pointy ears. Do you really think you’d be fooled into believing those are your parents? But, that’s why we have these training missions, I suppose.
Anyway, fuzzy-flaming-arm-Morbius Skrull holds hands with C.B. and then… flies away. And, it looks as if C.B. is just as confused as I am. Good. I hate to be alone in these things.
With the Skrull leaving, C.B. decides to call it a day, flying off until his services are required again, when those in need cry out in desperation.
Gee, I hope all those injured people down below don’t succumb to a horrible death, engulfed by the surrounding flames and all. Too bad there wasn’t someone around that could maybe get them to safety, perhaps a superhero with the gift of flight… and general awareness of his surroundings. Oh well.
Hey, in that last panel, is that woman realizing she could have had a V8?
Aw, great, now I gotta turn my computer monitor on its side. Okay. Just a minute. Alright, there we go. Uh oh… here we have some real trouble. Skrull on Skrull in-fighting. With oodles of speed-lines! Looks like another teacher/student thing. The student, completely looking like a Skrull, obviously did something to deserve getting stabbed by the teacher Skrull, who has mixed the forms of Marvel’s Black Knight, and Arthur Fonzarelli, aka, Fonzie. Oh, no – wait, I got it wrong. This wasn’t a fight at all. Black Knight-Fonzie Skrull must have told the other Skrull to shapeshift into a scabbard for his sword! The student Skrull evidently couldn’t do it in time, but by the time Black Knight-Fonzie Skrull realized it, he was already slamming his sword into the supposed-to-be-a-scabbard Skrull. What a shame. Looks like there is no way supposed-to-be-a-scabbard Skrull will recieve Black Knight-Fonzie’s top grade – an “Aaaayyyy!”
I… I’m sorry. I apologize, okay? Even I can’t believe I typed that. Quickly, on to the next page before my shame crushes my spirit completely.
Hey, its Firestar! I used to love watching Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends! Wait… that’s not Firestar? Well, who is it then? Doesn’t really matter, I guess. Anyway, Not-Firestar appears to be running really fast (thanks to the visual cue of, yes, speed-lines) while talking on a cell phone. If she was paying attention to what is going on, she would notice that a couple of Skrulls-in-training are blasting… architecture. Whatever.
Ooh, and its time, once again, for everyone’s favorite game of “Guess which heroes the Skrulls are imitating!” Okay, that first one, all silver-y… I’m going out on a limb and say Silver Surfer. Ooh, and he’s got winged ankles! That’s Namor! Obviously, there must be someone else, too… but I don’t know who. Is it a cosmic character? I’m not really familiar with cosmic characters. Well, yeah, I mean, Silver Surfer, but EVERYONE knows Silver Surfer. Jumping over to the other Skrull… now, THAT is a combo. Thor, big-gold-suited Iron Man, and the Wasp. Let me just say, though, someone really needs to sit the Skrulls down and explain that if the chin lines don’t give them away, the “mixing-up-of-heroes-body-parts” will.
Anyway, Not-Firestar leaps up to the Namor-Surfer Skrull. I can only assume that one of the landmarks that the Skrulls destroyed must have been a cell phone tower. She’s probably really upset about the dropped call. Well, I can understand, I mean that is really irritat–
Great Shades of Elvis! Not-Firestar is a vampire!!! Wow, Namor-Surfer Skrull is even more shocked than I am!
Ooh, a silhouette! Isn’t it amazing how a nice silhouette can tone down the violence of Vampire-Not-Firestar ripping 3/4 of Namor-Surfer Skrull’s neck out to acceptable levels for the general reading audience? Hold on… 3/4 of the Skrulls neck is gone? Vampire-Not-Firestar’s mouth is NOT that big. Wait! I get it! It was the sharpness of Vamprie-Not-Firestar’s hair as she flung her head back that nearly decapitated the Skrull. Wow… that must be some amazing shampoo that she uses.
Uh oh… look at Vampire-Not-Firestar’s eyes. As an avid watcher of vampire films, I know what is coming next. Quick, Iron-Wasp-Thor Skrull, run! Her bloodlust has been awakened! Don’t just stand there in shock! Run!
Oh no. Too late! Here she comes, really fast… which I know, thanks to the inclusion of speed-lines! Quick, next page!
Huh? Oh… well, I guess we’re back to C.B. and the Morbius Skrull. Morbius Skrull begins by waving his stinky, fuzzy feet in C.B.’s face. With speed-lines. He follows with a punch. And speeed-lines. Nice combo.
Oh no! Vampire-Not-Firestar is back! With speed-lines! Is there no end to her desire for liquid life?!?
Oh… and they are joined by three other… beings. Okay, that top guy… Skrull? Maybe. Channeling… Man-Bat and Clayface? I don’t know. The other Skrull is doing a bad impression of Hyperion. The other guy? Uh… Keanu Reeves maybe? Man, it is getting too crowded in this story. Maybe it would seem less crowded if there were fewer speed-lines. Let’s move on to the last page.
Okay, we’ve got Keanu Reeves blasting the Skrull in the neck, surrounded by speed-lines, while Vampire-Not-Firestar dodges the blast by running in the same direction as those speed-lines. (Don’t ask why the speed-lines are in front of her, merely accept them.)
Then Man-Bat-Clay Face Skrull (floating among speed-lines) is watching C.B. punch Hyperion Skrull. Maybe he is wondering (like me) what happened to Morbius Skrull, who C.B. was fighting on the previous page.
Oh, and then C.B. claps his hands in front of Hyperion Skrull’s face (of course, creating speed-lines)… for… some… reason…
And the whole thing is resolved as C.B. punches the head off of Hyperion Skrull, scattering speed-lines across the page.
The next page probably shows Vampire-Not-Firestar feeding on the carcasses of the fallen Skrulls, as Keanu Reeves and Captain Britain react in horror. And, yeah, Keanu Reeves says, “Whoa.” And there are some speed-lines.
Hmm, this was an interesting read. A lot of vampire stuff (Morbius Skrull, Vampire-Not-Firestar), which appeals to me, so that’s good. I would have liked to have seen more of Black Knight-Fonzie Skrull. Ooh, and if they could have crammed in some more speed-lines, that would have been nice.
Sadly, I can only give this issue 433 stars out of a possible 2572 stars. Why? I simply could not read the story fast enough to appreciate the speed-lines.
See ya next time!