Ex Files

by

Remember the “X-Files?”   

Boy, that show was really, really cool until it really, really sucked.  A great few years of classic sci-fi anthology storytelling marinated in a rich, well-crafted mythology that built up conspiracies within conspiracies only to squander it with two (arguably three) final seasons and one passable film that did nothing to pay off the years of speculation and mystery that had been created.  And, for our endless patience and faithfulness as an audience, they gifted us with a bored, half-awake David Duchovny (who only bothered to enunciate his lines or “act” when they gave him the occasional vanity episode to write/direct), a floundering Scully with pregnancy/cancer melodramas to muddle through, and two replacement leads in Robert Patrick and Annabeth Gish as Agents Grumbly Pants and Vacant Stare respectively.  

Oh, and then there was the “Lone Gunman” spin-off.  The “Joanie Loves Chaci” of sci-fi entertainment.  (Yeah, I watched it.  And, yeah, I hate myself a little bit for that.) 

Ya know, you hurt me “X-Files.”  You took me in, held me tight, and made me feel alright about being home on a Friday night.  You gave me a place when no other show would have me; when all the cool kids were hanging out on “Melrose Place” making fun of my knock-off Bugle Boy jeans.  But, not you “X-Files.”  You were there for me.   And then…you hurt me.  You hurt me real bad.  In fact, if I’m being completely honest, it still burns a little when I pee. 

But, that’s okay.  I’ve gotten over it all.  I’ve moved on.  It’s been six years.  I’ve been seeing other shows and they’ve been treating me a heckuva lot better than you ever did; treating me with more respect.  “Lost,” to name one, has given me mysteries too; perhaps even similar to the ones you gave me.  But, they’ve also given me an end game and the promise that they saw what you did to me and aren’t going to leave me hanging the same way. 

Oh, there are others I could name.  But, I’m not trying to make you jealous “X-Files.”  If you are then that baggage is all yours.  I’m free now.  And I’m beautiful.  You won’t ever make me feel ugly or stupid again! 

I hope. 

So, I see you’re coming around again with a new “movie.”  I guess I’m supposed to get all excited just at the mention of your name.  Perhaps you expect me to get myself all dolled up again, put on my best dress, and wait outside for your car to come around the corner all shiny and new and stop at my door.  Well, not anymore mister!  I respect myself too much to do that again!   

(A long pause as I look into the dark recesses of my weary, pathetic geek soul.  The very same soul that actually got excited about “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” even after watching the first film resurrect Jack Kirby only to visit Biblical levels of punishment upon his writhing, moaning zombie corpse.) 

Oh, who am I kidding?  I love you “X-Files.”  I always have and I always will.  I know you’ll try harder this time.  I know you’ve learned from your mistakes and that you’re ready to put the full 110% into this relationship again.  I know you’ve got it in you to be good again.  To be good to me!   

I’m waiting for you “X-Files!”  Opening weekend baby!  You, me and a big bag of popcorn.  This time we’re going to do it right.  This time it’s gonna last forever!   

What’s this?  A new promotional picture.  Ooh.  Well, I must confess I’m dying to see what you’ve done with yourself all these years….

Zzzzzzzzzzz…..huh?  What’s that?  Oh, goodness me.  I fell asleep just pasting that image there. 

You haven’t changed a bit, have you?  I should’ve known.  You’ll never change!  You disgust me!  I don’t ever want to see you again!!!!!

 So, um, er…. I’ll see you opening weekend, then?…Great, great…What’s that?…Don’t wait up? … You’ll call me when you’re ready? 

Oh, okay.  That’s cool.  Well, talk to you soon.  I love you. 

Hello?  X-Files?  Aren’t you going to say you love me too? Are you there?

Hmm.  Must have lost the connection.  I’m sure he’ll call back.

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2 Responses to “Ex Files”

  1. Fer Says:

    Oh my god, hilarious!

  2. Damian Says:

    Здорова всем !!! всех люблю и всех цилую)))

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