Greetings Earthlings! It is time once again for another Preview Review, wherein I find the unlettered preview pages offered online for an upcoming comic (that I really have no intention of buying), and write a review of the issue based entirely on my perceptions of what is going on.
Today, we look at She-Hulk #31, from Peter David (writer) and Vincenzo Cucca and Barbara Ciardo (artists), with a cover by Mike Deodato.
So, how about that Deodato cover?
Background? Who needs a background?!? Give me a big blank space any day! Why, all that extra “art” would only serve to detract from the focal point of this cover, which is She-Hulk swinging from that “L” above a group of her adoring fans.
(Maybe you didn’t know, but in the Marvel Universe, Shulkie is, like, more popular than the Beatles. Its true!)
Oh, and look! Her fans all have green skin, pointy ears, and chin lines! Gotta be Skrulls. I can only take that to mean that this is yet another comic trapped in the vortex of Marvel’s massively oppressive event, Secret Invasion.
You know, it makes sense that Shulkie would have a lot of Skrull guys as fans. I mean, think about it. You are a young Skrull guy, and while there may be a lot of attractive Skrull gals out there, they all have the same problem: chin lines that give off an awfully “goatee”-esque vibe. Not exactly the most appealing feature.
Enter Shulkie, with that green skin and smooth chin. Yeah, boy! Sure, her ears aren’t pointy, but no one is perfect.
Hey! I just realized who her fans are impersonating! That’s Jaime Madrox (Multiple Man), from X-Factor! (Ha! See, I don’t ALWAYS have to be told who characters are!) On a side note, X-Factor is the only X-Book I read… and if this means that this event is going to mess that up, I’ll not be pleased. Anyway, moving on.
Ooh, this preview, along with the cover and interior pages, also included a pin-up! Shall we take a look?
By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth! Shulkie’s all manga-ized! Oh, great. That probably means that She-Hulk’s new costume will be that of an Asian schoolgirl, she’ll pick up some tiny, overly cute mythical creature as a companion, and before long, she’ll be piloting some giant robot into battle. Oh, and readers will be forced to read her book from right to left instead of left to right.
What is going on in that picture anyway? Shulkie is just standing there, all posed, while cars seem to be flying apart behind her. (Alas, I am vexed. Should I lower myself to enter here the obvious flatulation joke? Or should I rise above?)
I suppose Shulkie made a “run for the border” for lunch!
(Come on! You knew it was coming.)
Alright, let’s check out the first interior page:
Well, it looks like Shulkie is running toward some arthritic woman. There’s a lesson for you kids – don’t crack your knuckles, or your hands will end up like that.
Bypassing another obvious gastrointestinal joke, did Shulkie recently get some sort of uncontrollable speed powers? Look at that path of destruction in her wake!
Next page, please:
Okay, so the arthritic woman can fly. She easily dodges the brute force, run-straight-at-her attack from Shulkie. She-Hulk looks up at her, mouth open. Arthritic Flying Girl crosses her arms all smug like, as if to say, “What, are you going to ‘scream’ me down?!?”
Suddenly, Arthritic Flying Girl is hit by… wait… is that She-Hulk’s spit? Open mouth, blast of liquid flying through the air… ew. Well, I suppose if its in your arsenal you can use it.
Still… ew.
Let’s move onto the next page and hope for less saliva.
Okay, so Arthritic Flying Girl realizes that she can… you know… “fly”… and gets out of the path of the flying drool. And then we find out – oh, it wasn’t spit! Shulkie just destroyed a fire hydrant. Now, that makes me feel better. In fact, it relieves me so much I won’t mention A.) the lack of background in this panel, and B.) the bizarre placement of the fire hydrant to Shulkie’s crotch.
Arthritic Flying Girl is ticked at Shulkie. She’s got on her mean face and everything. She flings herself at She-Hulk! And, finally, what we all wait for in any manga/anime project – speedlines!
Wow, those little arthritic fists must be powerful. I woulda thunk She-Hulk could take a punch from a girl that looks to be a third of her size.
On to the next page!
Ah, there we go. Using the forward momentum of Arthritic Flying Girl and… the top panel line from the panel below as a fulcrum, She-Hulk flings her assailant into a car.
Poised to finish off Arthritic Flying Girl, Shulkie is distracted by an eclipse of the sun, which she stupidly turns around to look at. Didn’t anyone ever tell her that she would burn her retinas out doing that?
Let’s see if she learned that lesson on the next page:
Oh, luckily, Strong Guy showed up to stop her from looking into the eclipse. (Yeah, that’s right – Strong Guy. That’s his super-hero name. It was the early 1990’s, okay? Creativity was reduced to slapping pouches onto costumes, issuing heroes leather jackets, and giving them all mullets and a five-o’clock shadow. So Guido… *sigh* yes, again, that is his real name… ended up with the moniker Strong Guy. I suppose it could’ve been worse. They could have gone with “White Ponytail And Creepy Goggle Guy.”)
It does seem that Strong Guy was a little overzealous in averting Shulkie’s eyes from the blinding powers of the eclipse. He did so with enough gusto to not only crack the pavement, but to also create his own speedlines.
I wonder if She-Hulk will understand he was just too enthusiastic. Let’s take a look at the last page to find out:
Oh… well, she appears to be okay with it, just laying there in the rubble, smiling.
In the next panel, Strong Guy doesn’t look too happy. Oh, maybe Shulkie didn’t say thank you. That’s probably it. I mean, he did save her vision… seems that would warrant a little grati–!!!
Great Shades of America’s Funniest Home Videos!!! Holy cow… I guess She-Hulk didn’t take kindly to the excessive helpfulness of Strong Guy. Man… he is NOT going to be walking away from that anytime soon. A guy doesn’t recover from a shot like that very quickly. What with the pain, the nausea, the headache, the seeing-stars, and the crying… I figure Strong Guy is down for a good hour, and walking delicately home after that.
What have we learned today? She-Hulk may be fast enough that the vacuum that trails behind her is devastating, causing millions of dollars worth of damage, but she doesn’t have any sort of super-spit abilities… that we know of. Also, it is good to be helpful, but being too helpful can result in having ice your crotch for a while.
I give this comic 116,204 stars out of 197,385. I liked the art despite the fact that the artists felt the need to include those pesky “backgrounds” in so many of the panels.
EG Out!
THE STEVE AUSTIN BOOK CLUB 